⚡️ Ruminating on the past that you can’t change?

This is a story about how to always do the right thing in every situation - and why that actually never works.

(Estimated read time 6-8 minutes 📖) 

Have you ever walked out of a social event feeling like you weren’t fully there?

No one would have noticed though, you were very talkative and fun.

The conversations were lively, you smiled, and you flowed from topic to topic with ease.

But on the drive home, a particular conversation with a particular person stood out to you.

You think about it and your intuition tells you something was missed.

You knew they were dealing with something underneath. Perhaps they wanted to share, but you kept the conversation light and pleasant because that’s what you’re used to.

In these situations, do you ask them how they’re really feeling, or do you just mind your own business?

How do you know which approach is best and in which scenario?

This is the struggle of an empathic person.

A Missed Opportunity?

I recently attended a small high school reunion and I showed up excited to see everyone.

My focus was to bring energy, have fun, and learn what everyone was “up to these days”.

[Side note: when I ask this, I like to hear about your recent travels, the story of meeting your partner, and the sommelier class you’ve been taking, not your job title]

I chatted with one classmate about our favorite Spanish teacher and made small talk.

I was so focused on having a fun conversation and, well, it was a success!

A success by my pre-established objectives.

That was the person who, after reflecting later, I thought perhaps I could have gotten below the small talk with. I felt at first like I missed an opportunity.

Now back to our original question - and I pose it to you. When you sense someone might need to have a real talk, do you:

1. Mind your own business, let them bring it up if they want to

2. Ask them if there’s something on their mind

3. Share something on your mind first to give them an opening

I hope you weren’t expecting me to say which one is the right answer.

There isn’t one.

The Reminder I Needed

So what are we supposed to do then?

(This is one of my favorite questions I often ask myself, “GAHH just give me the answers!”)

Alas, I don’t have a 3-step fail-safe strategy to share this time, because there are 1,000 variables:

• The context of the conversation

• Your relationship with the person

• Your capacity to hold space at that moment

• How strongly you trust your intuition at that moment

The reminder I received was: you don’t have to make yourself responsible for being everything in every situation.

Just because you’re aware of something doesn’t mean it’s your job to influence it.

Reflecting back on situations is valuable, but you don’t have to rate yourself on what you did versus what you could have done.

This is an enormous relief when you catch yourself replaying past scenarios.

What This Means for You

If this isn’t relatable at all for you, perhaps it’s a sign you already do a great job with this :)

But maybe this reminds you of someone you know. And maybe it can help you understand them a little better.

If this is relatable for you, you know this doesn’t mean stop caring or being attuned to people. 

That’s one of your gifts, and you’re just learning how to use it better.

You just might find that the less pressure you put on yourself to do everything, the better you become at doing something, sometimes, for some people.

Doesn’t that still sound pretty great?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m (literally) heading to a networking event now.

Here’s to showing up however I show up.

The Bottom Line

Reflect on the past, but don’t correct it.

Be yourself, not what you think is needed - that’s what the world actually needs.

My challenge for you this week is to spend 5 minutes writing a journal response to the following prompts:

• Next time I catch myself wishing I could change something in the past, I will instead remind myself that…

• My way of helping others is sometimes direct, and sometimes it’s indirect in this way…

• Thanks to being an empathic person, my relationships are extra deep in these ways…

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Recommended Article

This article dives into the evolutionary reason we care about helping others, and what they think of us - and how to approach things differently here in the 21st century —> here.

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Keeping living your Great Adventure.

Jim Wall